I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Perfect
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl