I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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no one ever comes back
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything