@ilovepie84: I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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@NervousJr: my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.
@DanielRCarrillo: Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
@jwoodham: Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.