I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
White Castle for the Win
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.