I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
can’t bark with your mouth full
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas