I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
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This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
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sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.