I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys