I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Close call…
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.