I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
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[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal