I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
You Might Also Like
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I have never related to anyone more.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.