i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Do not levitate over flowers
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–