@hipstermermaid: I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
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@VodkaTiem: I don't know who put chairs in the elevator, but that's a kind of laziness that I can respect.
@IntoxicaTweeted: I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
@TheWeirdWorld: If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
@007Rex_Inc: Niece: I like math M: 5 X 1? N: 5 M: *takes out phone* right N:You're using your phone? M: I got a text N: I didnt hear a sound *runs away*