@hipstermermaid: I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
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@1Happytwit: My ex told me that Gaga's "Bad Romance" song reminds him of me. Now I'm glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
@stevevsninjas: Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card? Cashier: ok Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
@withanewname: It's like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
@plumbur: Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.