@hipstermermaid: I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
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@imdaintyaf: Please don't put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
@TheMichaelRock: Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning. I thought there was something wrong with her. Turns out she's being R2-D2.
@TitansHomer: My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone