@hipstermermaid: I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
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@iGreenMonk: She:I'm furious with my son He's playing Doctor with Neighbor's daughter He:Its curiosity about sex She:Sex? He's taken her appendix out
@TheTweetOfGod: You know how when you're in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That's Me. I love you.
@flashember: DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again! *daughter dish starts sobbing* [outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
@man_spach: When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat