I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Mornin
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.