I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
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Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
tell em, edith-anne
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I’m sorry…what?
This is me 🤣🤣
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
This came to me in a dream.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
They must have gotten it to go.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*