I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
You Might Also Like
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.