@ajax06: I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can't decide which Kmart I want to buy.
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@WheelTod: [Animal Shelter] Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.” Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?” Me: “Well, mostly I'll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So... a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
@TheMichaelRock: If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there's no need to vote for Trump.
@itshotterhere: I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.
@ScottLinnen: Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”