I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I鈥檓 as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don鈥檛 want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 馃槍馃挱
If Spider-man鈥檚 powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don鈥檛 want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don鈥檛.
Me: I鈥檓 never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My kids built a fort last night and it鈥檚 the cleanest room in the entire house.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[noticing that the girl i鈥檓 talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you鈥檝e won a super bowl
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Legend 馃ぃ馃ぃ
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you鈥檝e forgotten who I am
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Don鈥檛 tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don鈥檛 need your amateur assistance.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts