I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
These are too funny not to post 😂
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary