Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
guys I’m going home
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
drew a comic about my origin story
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.