A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!