@DevilryFun: I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
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@PinkCamoTO: Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job? Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
@OutOfLeftField_: Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days? Me: I think that's a myth. Friend: No it's definitely a butterfly.
@LetsGet9ined: Man: a pack of condoms please. Cashier: would you like a paper bag? Man: no thanks, she's pretty good looking.
@JustinGuarini: Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there's Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.