I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*