I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress