I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
A family that plays together cheats.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
This raises questions
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.