I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
🤣😂🤣
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.