I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
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Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?