Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
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Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on