@realHamOnWry: I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.
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@murrman5: "daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa" *checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
@flaskofwhiskeyy: Whoever said "out of sight, out of mind" has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.
@0point5twins: In phone books, "assisted living" is next to "assassin", so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to 'take care of grandma'.
@alwayzintruble: Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..