There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood