I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
cause of death:
autopsy.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.