If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
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My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*