@goodersuk74: I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: 'remove cap & push up bottom'. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely
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@michael_hendrix: Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.
@MrSpoonicorn: *i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there* *i ask him politely to move* *he wont move* *i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
@bggas400: She's got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won't quit. Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.
@Tmoney68: God: "MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE." Moses: "New burning bush. Who dis?"