@goodersuk74: I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: 'remove cap & push up bottom'. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely
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@robotrowboat: Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
@Bagyants: Her: How do you get girls? Me: I'm smart and funny. Her: That works? Me: No I'm terribly alone, I was just saying.
@usermcuserface: If i was going to rob someone I'd wear a fanny pack, jorts, and crocs. Nobody would believe them.
@BlairLoudly: Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat's just being dramatic.