I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article