I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
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Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’m not wrong
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.