@anbrll00: I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
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@copymama: My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn't want to scare.
@AndyAsAdjective: flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work? ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE'D BE MATH