@anbrll00: I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
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@Jtweeters: If you love someone, set them free. If they return... something, something, Justin Bieber's a lesbian.
@GrantTanaka: First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
@StayNobody: [Drug deal] How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this? *Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is
@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married