I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
You Might Also Like
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂