I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!