@Terdoh: I got a puppy for my ex. Fair trade.
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@simoncholland: I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
@illTortuga: I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven't eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
@briancthayer: [rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
@jergarl: 87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.