My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Oops I deleted….
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.