just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.