@MrJeberling: I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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@michaeljhudson: *dog runs for president* *is asked race sensitive question "The thing is, I don't see color" *crowd goes wild*
@SteveSuckington: Fun prank: 1. Steal your married friends phone 2. Change your name to 'Brandi from the club' 3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
@Brampersandon_: [hospital] *crying* Jim it's your turn to change the baby *picks up baby* -Ok brb *comes back holding a black baby* -I think they're onto us
@StarWarsProblms: Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes. Luke: OK. Vader: On second thought, don't. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.