I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
no
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….