I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Hell yeah 👍
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?