I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it