My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
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Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.