I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
The “baby” on the left….
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.