I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
secret recipe
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
The Backseat Boys
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products