Buck naked
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”