*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
You Might Also Like
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
#NeverForget
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.