i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭