@slaughthie: I got called "vein" and I'm just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
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@TheCiscoKidder: Cop: Why did you burn that building down? Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing. Cop: You're free to go.
@philyuck: “Here we are.” I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field. “No it’s not.” Oh this place is good.
@lemmywinkler: My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I've never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!
@RadioShorty: So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!