I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me