It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Realize this:
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
they should invent a hydrating liquor
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.