me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
for all #parents out there
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us