I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?