I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.