@partlyfunny: I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: I'm keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads "IMTEXAN" than I do behind cars with "Baby on board" signs.
@TheToddWilliams: [Emergency Room] MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc? DOCTOR: We'll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he's lost a lot of candy
@NJPsychDoc: My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
@InternetHippo: Me: Going to stop being mad. Maybe take up meditation Person in front of me at Chipotle: I'm ordering for 5 people Me: I will kill you