@partlyfunny: I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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@EtobicokeErnie: Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
@Kyle_Lippert: You're a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren't you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that's also a liar?
@Parkerlawyer: I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
@KalvinMacleod: My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.