@partlyfunny: I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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@TuffyNyC: I'm responsible for the deaths of 100's local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!
@goodtimenoel: You're all arguing about what color the dress is... While I'm having sex with the girl who took it off.
@Fred_Delicious: "Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?" "we... can't find him at all" "DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH"