@partlyfunny: I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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@CopernicusG: Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
@MrT1M: Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard. No? Ok, I'll show myself out.
@murrman5: [furious with son] wife: what happened? me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish [son from room] yolo isn't spanish me: ya see
@soup_reviews: signs you’re dating an angel: - skin made of smooth marble - thousands of eyes that emit lasers - wings violently displace tons of air - 13,000 trumpets constantly - peaceful sense of impending doom - giant chalice overflowing with acid - texts you good morning