@partlyfunny: I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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@daemonic3: ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry? HIM: Maui ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
@daviddeweil: If The Bachelor was realistic they'd ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
@Brampersandon_: [Americas Got Talent] ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended* JUDGE (under his breath): how'd he do that